how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
We're too hungover to prance.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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