Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
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