When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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