Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
