My friends, they love my intelligence
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
