If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
