I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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