Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
