My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
