I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
