he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Someone came in the potted fern
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
