I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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