If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
