She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
