i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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