He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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