he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
