do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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