So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
home. puking in laundry basket.
zippers are such a cool invention
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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