my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
