my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Couch. On fire.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
