Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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