dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
