I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
