i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
