i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
