There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
