I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
