Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
