so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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