You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
