she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
