I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
