I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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