I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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