Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Randomize
