he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
