So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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