Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
