says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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