wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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