Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
