I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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