dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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