i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
