when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
