I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
