True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
