Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
