Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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