well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
